Most of you are familiar with what has been going on with me for the past month or so, if you aren’t, suffice it to say that my heart, my life and my soul were ripped out and stomped to dust on Jan 26th. Patrick is gone, in the most real sense but in another sense,one that is almost just as real, he is still here, telling me what to clean, what chores need doing and what I need to buy at the store on my way home from work. He will never truly be gone and I realize this more every day. The tulips he planted last Fall are in the yard, bursting out of the dirt, just waiting to give me one last gift from P.

I am not here to tell you how utterly crushed I am, nor am I here to get more sympathy, those of you who have been there for myself and the Moore family are appreciated more than words can say. Those who did not know until now, who can blame you? Life sometimes interrupts even the best of friendships. We have not been the most forthcoming or social creatures since our move back to Portland, and though there were valid reasons, there are no excuses.

What I am here to do is write, tell you a cool thing or two that has come of this tragedy, bested only by the loss of my Mom in 2009. The most amazing thing is the true, selfless and compassionate people we have been fortunate enough to know. One of the most amazing things I am learning is how many lives P touched, it should not surprise me, he was a gem in every sense of the word. Rare, precious and in some cases priceless. Like a diamond the man could, and often did, light up a room, at least for me.

Another thing that has given me comfort is that I now have a new meaning to give to rainbows. I have a post somewhere on here, in which, during a time when I was at my lowest, a man appeared in a parking lot just long enough to point out a rainbow. By the time he had pointed it out and I had looked, I turned back to thank him and he had disappeared. He was walking with the aid of a walker and could not have gone anywhere in the time it took me to acknowledge the rainbow, yet he was gone.

During this time of loss and grief rainbows have again played their part, 3 times to be exact. In kissing the eyelid of a dear,dear friend as we were leaving our house. In showing up on pictures on a computer that are nowhere to be seen on the original pictures. Lastly, in blessing the giving of a cherished memento to one of P’s Sisters. There is more to these stories, as there is to many other stories. The details are unimportant, but I now know that as long as there are rainbows I will have a cherished guardian. I have told these stories to a few friends and they all have told me they will never be able to see another rainbow without thinking of P and I. I hope that is true, and that those rainbows will shine as heavenly tributes to the love we shared for just short of 11 years.

As for me ? I am sad, the anchor of my life has been ripped from me way too soon. My path is murky and I have no inkling in which direction to go.There are days that I don’t think I can do this alone, but then I remember that I am not alone. I will, however, go…as in keep going, because P would have wanted it and because I know deep down that I have to. One day,though I can not see it or imagine it now, perhaps without my even knowing when, things will just start to get easier, how could they not, when I have rainbows as my guide.